Bigger Penis,Bigger Brain

Recent studies coming from the Universities of Camford and Oxbridge in the United Kingdom have revealed that the larger a man’s penis, the bigger his brain. The study which run from September 2014 – August 2015 and spoke to 3,000 men of different race, religion , orientation and class suggests that bigger has more bang for the buck in more ways than one.

‘ Men with upwards of 6′, the average male penis being 5′, were revealed to be of higher intelligence, whereas those men with below average penises were often found to possess limited intellect.’

Will this cause a revolution? Will men with smaller penises be further stigmatize? Will a woman now mate only with a 7′ carrying male over a 6′ male in order to ensure she produces smarter offspring? Find out on the next episode of dragon ball Z.

Cheating Good For The Heart?

Sources within the medical community are touting an upcoming study by Professors Cheetah and Soulope who have discovered that individuals who cheat regularly have better hearts.

‘ Individuals who cheat  regularly had better functioning hearts and experience little to no issues with their hearts into their 70’s. Even those who cheated only on occasional basis had better heart flows and lower cholesterol and blood pressure levels. Non cheaters appear to struggle with many risks and issue including depression inflicted by heartbreak and the terrible ‘horn’ 

 The research study is expected to be released on Valentine’s Day 2016.

Obama Loser For Freeing Hostages

‘ Obama is a loser, he could have bombed bombed Iran into oblivion for those sailors who innocently steered themselves into Iranian waters. Diplomacy? bleh what has that ever gotten us? Bomb their motherfucking asses into the stone age. Freeing other hostages? smh nah next time we kill everyone. War is good’

G.O.P response to Obama 

Man To Go Around Telling Women Don’t Blush Baby

After the local internet fraternity swooped to defend Chris Gayle from charges of sexism and inappropriate behaviour :

‘ gassa that reporter well like that eh see she reach in his bed’

‘ I wish was me, maybe Gayle woulda marry me’

‘ Choops our koltcha (culture) that there! *sucks teeth*’

one man has seen it as a greenlight. Monchy resident Gills Brennan says he is thankful that the women of the Caribbean believe it was appropriate for a strange man to be flirtatious with them whilst at work he has adopted a new new year’s resolution.

To go the length and breadth of the region and tell the women don’t blush baby and I want a grind . You know be overly flirtatious whilst they’re at work and even if they look uncomfortable mi nah stop. #dohblushbaby2016

Masturbation Expected To Replace Soccer As World’s Most Popular Sport

The WSC ( World Sporting Council) has revealed the shocker that soccer  will no longer be the world’s most popular sport by 2020. Its successor? No not cricket, though that sport is expected to slot in at number two due to the fanaticism of over 1 billion Indian fans.

Recreational Masturbation, with a  following of 3.7 billion players, an upsurge of 27%, is expected to be the biggest sport at the 2020 Olympics with close to 100 athletes from around the globe participating in what is expected to be the most watched event, replacing the 100m dash, the ‘Tug and Jerk’.

World #1 masturbator Brent Celek says he is eager to defend his Australian and World Records at the Olympics.

‘ No one not even Yank It So, (the Chinese silver medalist from Worlds) is good enough to beat me!’

Upwards of A Billion New Year’s Resolutions Already Abandoned

Close to over a billion new year’s resolutions have already gone kaput says the New Year’s Resolution Approval Board.

‘1 .2 billion resolutions have already gone by the wayside as of today. They include Bill Clinton’s promise to not have extra marital threesomes, Kanye’s to stop staring at himself in the mirror, Miley Cyrus’s no twerking vow and Donald Trump’s aint gonna say nothing racist till Saturday.’

New Year’s Resolution Approval Board President , Lance Cosby

No word yet on how many of these failed resolutions were by the folks who said ‘ don’t have to wait for Jan 1 to make a resolution.’

Locals To Set World Record Alcohol Consumption on New Years Eve

Guinness Book of World Records observers are expected to be extra busy in all corners of the globe as countries attempt to set records for alcohol consumption over the New Year.

Whiskey, tequila, brandy, vodka, beer, wine , champagne,gin, stout, cognac and rum are expected to flow like water in paradise during the season with happiness as the main goal.

Party organisers, Uber drivers , side chicks,  creepy dudes, insurance agents and liver transplant doctors are rumored to be bursting with glee at all the alcohol to be consumed.

Observers expect #rumnotjuice and #iehdrinkingagain to be trending  worldwide  on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook within mere hours of New Years.