Sex and Alcohol Lead List of Things NOT GIVEN Up For Lent

Sex and alcohol were number one and two on the list of things not given up by  local Catholics during an unscientific poll conducted on Ash Wednesday. We spoke to close to a 100 Catholics and were informed that these were way to sweet a vice to give up for forty days and nights.

One said he was not interested in ‘becoming a born again virgin’ another aptly said’ ‘There’s only one virgin mary .’

No word yet on whether Pope Francis will give up alcohol  or whether he will continue being celibate for the umpteenth Lenten season in a row.

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Rastafarian Sentenced to 20 Lashes For ‘Bowing’ by Council!

A local Rastafarian Jah Guide has been sentenced to 20 lashes after his blatant betrayal of Rastafarian guidelines. The national 12 Tribes council determined him guilty after rumors circulated that he was an avid practicer of bowing.

(For the uninitiated bowing is a colloquial reference to cunnilingus)

‘ It is a disgrace, rasta nah bow. That is battyman ting. He lucky we nah cut his locks instead and is just a few lashes he get. Rasta nah bow.’

Sources tell us that close to 75% of Rastas in the Caribbean are secret bowers and take extreme measures to hide when it is ‘eating time’.

Blood Moon Signaled Start of Witches Conference, Virgin Sacrifice.

The September 27th Super Blood Moon that perched precariously over the island was the launch of the 4th annual Witches Conference scheduled for Bouton and Beausejour. So says one Bishop Headley Crone of The Everlasting Holy Church of Morne Fortune.

” This blood moon was brought on by the witches. They are holding their 4th conference in Saint Lucia. We don’t know why the government continues to allow them to practice their religion. I call for a burning @ the stake of all suspected witches on island! Burn them!! They cause earthquakes, hurricanes and tornadoes.”

Another commentator was quick to draw links between the blood moon and virgin sacrifice.

During the blood moon they does approach virgins for sex and they just giving it, they can’t say no or they just disappearing. The Warlocks penises being so long they wrapping it like a belt. Thank God I not a virgin.

FB status.

We were able to speak to a member of the Bouton coven who was adamant that the witches were praying for rain and cruise ships to dock rather than any nefarious reasons.

” Witches get a bad rap. Since Salem. pure rubbish. Haven’t they hey heard of good witches.”

Apparently not.

Seventh Day Adventists Disappointed Pope Francis Didn’t Impose Sunday Law During Speech

Seventh Adventists worldwide are bitterly disappointed with Pope Francis’ speech to the US Congress, Not for what he said, but for what he didn’t say! Worldwide Adventist missions have been awaiting impatiently the papal visit of The Antichrist to the Great Satan with glee.

Chicago Mission President Sam Flooder was greatly disappointed by the content of the Pope’s speech.

” What nonsense he talked about! No death penalty. No stereotyping of immigrants and respect for the poor among us? Be truthful Pope Frank you came to impose the Sunday Law!!’

“The news media in on the conspiracy! They won’t broadcast it but he said it”

London Mission President Richard Lionheart de Buckingham.

Atlanta mission president Kim Favare however, has a more nefarious idea as to why the Pope visited the US.

” He came over to tell Barack he won’t be The Antichrist anymore and that Putin has gained favour with the Church. All that humility and denouncing capitalism is a front trust me I  know.”

Pastor Shocked At Anti – Women Attitudes Of His Male Congregants,Puzzled At Idea His Sermons To Blame

Pastor Rebel BullshitTalker of the New Reformed Traditional Christian Temple of the Savior Church of Cedar Heights is extremely puzzled at the hysteria and backlash his church has received after a former member revealed the Neanderthal, stone aged views of his congregants.

In an interview with DBHTS Evening News 4 the congregation members were seething  with anger at the immoral attitudes of their wives and daughters.

” Satan I call them, they wearing skirts 2′ below their knees. Which other man are they trying to tempt into bed with them? Why is she wearing make up or perfume outside the house? To bring dishonor? Women are beneath men . they need to learn their place. I hate with my heart that my wife has a job and is not in the kitchen where she belongs . The devil is alive!’

Jack Ass, New Reformed Traditional Christian Temple of the Savior Church congregant.

Pastor Bullshit was apoplectic when it was suggested that his weekly sermons may be the issue in the church.

” We congregate every Sunday and I preaccccccccch the gospel!! The Holy Gospel! I tells the truth to the men. I don’t lie to them. Glory! Alleluia. It definitely ain’t me telling  them women are deceivers like Eve and temptresses like Delilah.”

Pope Announces Decision To Make Annulments Easier For Flock, Millions Begin Searching For Replacement Spouses

Pope Francis’s decision to make annulments less cumbersome and time consuming has had mixed results among his flock, with the conservative hierarchy aghast at his pseudo – Catholic leanings and the congregation signing an angelic ‘ Alleluia’.

Cardinal Juan Cock of Italy gave a stunning rebuke to the papal directive calling it ‘ a sure sign that he (Francis) is one of the lizard people we were warned about. A destroyer of hopes and dreams.”

The conservative Why You Feel You Can Have Sex, You Not Married Association of American Catholic Bishops summed it up with these words:

” Pope Francis is giving unmarried people the licence to have sex. That should never happen. Only married people , however miserable, should be allowed to have sex. Allowing anyone to divorce will mislead society into thinking sex is for them.’

However millions of Catholics around the world have started trending  these  hashtags ,#alwayswantedasecondwifethanksPopeFrank, #divorcerocks, #finallyIcansayseeyousucka, as they aim to take advantage of the new rules regardless of whether they had ever thought of divorce. Obviously Pope Francis deserves a medal for his most noble act.