Donald Trump To Be Awarded NAACP Image Award

Donald Trump has gone pass the odds of regular politicians and shaped his racist, sexist, farcical and fascist campaign for president into a bonanza. Amidst a swirl of rumors that his ‘campaign’ is an ‘extended reality TV promo’ just like Ben Carson’s is a ‘ book tour’ The Donald revealed that not everyone hates him.

‘ I’m going to get a Lifetime NAACP Image award for showing the world how terrible racism is ! take that Megyn Kelly ! I’m the new Martin, Malcolm ,Gandhi and Aung San Suu Kyi.’

The Donald boasted to a 40,000 capacity crowd in Iowa. No word yet on whether he will be as exuberant for his KKK Person of the Year award later this year.

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Sarah Takes The Line After 280-55 Shellacking

After a devastating 280-55 demolition at the hands of Team Chastanet at the November 15th UWP Convention, Sarah Flood- Beaubrun has acceded to the wishes of the l’enfant terrible Guy Joseph. She has taken the line.

Our sources tell us that Flood Beaubrun was spotted at the back of lines at Super J, Caribbean Cinemas, Courts and A.F. Valmont and despite her post convention speech appeared none too pleased about taking the line.

‘She looked real vex, she take the line. I heard her say when they play ‘Started From The Bottom’ in the club she always thinks the DJ playing it for her. ah well.  poor jab Sarah’

Ides Of March : November 15th, Will Caeser Scream ‘Et Tu Brutus?”

The wards at Victoria Hospital are expected to  be filled, come Sunday , after the UWP Convention at the Gros Islet Secondary School. The expected cause? Knife wounds from all the alleged backstabbing from before and during the convention.

Leaders from both camps, the reformist Chastanet and Molotov cocktail thrower Flood – Beaubrun are under heavy guard n an effort to prevent them from being backstabbed by delegates or expected turncoat associates.

We reached out to our media observers for a comment on the expected bloodbath at GIS.

” More backstabbing than a wrestling match.”

” Seems ominous, like the ides of march’

” Caesar may scream et tu Brutus after his house of cards fall down.’

All in all it seems everyone expects the circus , cirque du soleil and Hitchcockian drama at the convention.

Western Leaders Tell Rest Of The World, It’s Okay For Us To Support Dictators

The 10th annual conference of Dictators and their Friends began in Bern, Switzerland this morning. The conference first held in Aspen, Colorado and chaired by Dubya, Tony Blair and John Howard was viewed as a way to ensure the democratically elected leaders kept powerful dictators in power by all means necessary.

‘ It is imperative that we keep these dictators in Bahrain, Egypt, Pakistan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and elsewhere in power and suppress their budding democratic movements. These people can’t be trusted with such power , they need slave masters in charge.’

David Cameron to the BBC.

‘ We need these dictators to crush their people into submission and destroy them. So what if we create another ISIS and drones create more terrorists than they kill. Big whoop. We let them have elections , they elect people with values we don’t like and can’t control.’

Barack Obama to the Washington Post.

Protesters outside the meeting, held at bay with tanks and bazookas off course by the Swiss police , were at lost for words.

‘ Just just just ridiculous. They They frown on us for embracing Cuba, but they love dictators who torture and suppress their people worse than Castro. As my grandmother would say ki fock sah.’

Celeste Popo to Al Jazeera.

Evidence Of Bugs All Over Guy Joseph’s Property .

Former Minister of Communications and current MP for South East Castries Guy Joseph has dished out a scenario so outlandish , so bizarre that it must be true.With a story out of a David Baldacci novel.

The MP for Castries South East recently accused of offering a 3.8m US bribe to a former PM by the current PM has accused the government of spying on his house and vehicles,to gather information on his alleged bribes or lack thereof?

‘ They admitted to me that they had been paid to bug my home and vehicle. Is this 1984?Are we in Soviet Russia ? Do we need an Edward Snowden!?”

Our investigators went into detect mode and were able to do what the local media had failed to. Find evidence of bugs. We ventured onto his property and in his backyard and found beetles, caterpillars, butterflies and their ilk in his garden , as to his vehicle it appeared to be bug free.

LPM Anxious For Bad Weather To Derail Next March Date

Leader of the LPM, Therold Prudent has been cautiously telling supporters that he is anxious for another turn of bad weather to derail the as yet unscheduled march against unemployment.

Sources tell us that the LPM is engaged in several avenues to derail their march in order to save face from potential embarrassment. A day of prayer for rain, a visit to a psychic and obeah man to view the most rainy of upcoming days are all on the agenda for the LPM.

‘ They actually screamed with relief when the rain started early in the day. They were petrified that you wouldn’t need to get naked to count the number of people at the march. Thank heavens for the rain again!’

LPM protestor

John Kasich Flabbergasted Women Expect To Earn The Same As Men

Ohio governor and Republican presidential candidate John Kasich was lost for words during his Q and A segment at the University of Richmond.

Kasich a long shot for the nomination was in fine form earlier having told an 18 year female student, who happened to write for the college paper, that he had no Taylor Swift tickets in response to her as yet unasked query.

‘ Women shouldn’t expect to be paid the same as their male counterparts. We need that extra money to support you. Is it our fault your perfumes, make-up , accessories are so astronomical that we need to make so much more than you do in order to take care of you? You should be grateful we have allowed you out of the house and given you the chance to vote and work. What’s next? You want to be seen as my equal?’