Santa Claus To Be Arrested On Multiple Counts of Breaking and Entering, Trespassing, Facilitating Laziness Says FBI

The NSA  revealed that it has finally gotten video evidence of the world’s most wanted criminal Santa Claus. Together with the FBI they are expected to serve a warrant at the North Pole for over a billion charges of breaking and entering, trespassing and facilitating laziness  for parents who depended on him to buy gifts for their kids.

‘ For far too long this menace called Santa Claus has threatened the world with his brazen disregard for personal property. We are glad that the NSA’s Vanguard satellites have tracked this Christmas terrorist.’

FBI Director Jack Frost.

No word yet on whether this will take place after Santa has delivered his 2.6 billion gifts.

 

 

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LPM Anxious For Bad Weather To Derail Next March Date

Leader of the LPM, Therold Prudent has been cautiously telling supporters that he is anxious for another turn of bad weather to derail the as yet unscheduled march against unemployment.

Sources tell us that the LPM is engaged in several avenues to derail their march in order to save face from potential embarrassment. A day of prayer for rain, a visit to a psychic and obeah man to view the most rainy of upcoming days are all on the agenda for the LPM.

‘ They actually screamed with relief when the rain started early in the day. They were petrified that you wouldn’t need to get naked to count the number of people at the march. Thank heavens for the rain again!’

LPM protestor

Politician’s Union To Launch ‘You Can Trust Us’ Ad Campaign Across The Region

People Like You, the newly established politician’s union has announced a $5m US dollar ad campaign aimed at rehabilitating the image of the regional politician. The 14 country ad campaign is hoping to do what basically nothing else has done and repair the sullied reputations of Caricom politicos.

Credence Dollar , the PR man behind the People Like You campaign was effusive with praise.

‘ It’s high time that politicians take the lead and move beyond the unfair labellings of themselves as corrupt, elitist, uncaring , lacking integrity and show them how upstanding and trustworthy we are.”

Dollar also derided the regional media claiming they were the reason behind the major distrust of politicians.

‘The media is to blame . Report on how many bills the politicians paid this week instead of the missing money from the treasury, or their friends buying $60,00 brand new vehicles after suspicious contracts. Trust us and we will trust you.”

No word yet on which local politicians have signed up for the ad campaign.

Blood Moon Signaled Start of Witches Conference, Virgin Sacrifice.

The September 27th Super Blood Moon that perched precariously over the island was the launch of the 4th annual Witches Conference scheduled for Bouton and Beausejour. So says one Bishop Headley Crone of The Everlasting Holy Church of Morne Fortune.

” This blood moon was brought on by the witches. They are holding their 4th conference in Saint Lucia. We don’t know why the government continues to allow them to practice their religion. I call for a burning @ the stake of all suspected witches on island! Burn them!! They cause earthquakes, hurricanes and tornadoes.”

Another commentator was quick to draw links between the blood moon and virgin sacrifice.

During the blood moon they does approach virgins for sex and they just giving it, they can’t say no or they just disappearing. The Warlocks penises being so long they wrapping it like a belt. Thank God I not a virgin.

FB status.

We were able to speak to a member of the Bouton coven who was adamant that the witches were praying for rain and cruise ships to dock rather than any nefarious reasons.

” Witches get a bad rap. Since Salem. pure rubbish. Haven’t they hey heard of good witches.”

Apparently not.

Pastor Shocked At Anti – Women Attitudes Of His Male Congregants,Puzzled At Idea His Sermons To Blame

Pastor Rebel BullshitTalker of the New Reformed Traditional Christian Temple of the Savior Church of Cedar Heights is extremely puzzled at the hysteria and backlash his church has received after a former member revealed the Neanderthal, stone aged views of his congregants.

In an interview with DBHTS Evening News 4 the congregation members were seething  with anger at the immoral attitudes of their wives and daughters.

” Satan I call them, they wearing skirts 2′ below their knees. Which other man are they trying to tempt into bed with them? Why is she wearing make up or perfume outside the house? To bring dishonor? Women are beneath men . they need to learn their place. I hate with my heart that my wife has a job and is not in the kitchen where she belongs . The devil is alive!’

Jack Ass, New Reformed Traditional Christian Temple of the Savior Church congregant.

Pastor Bullshit was apoplectic when it was suggested that his weekly sermons may be the issue in the church.

” We congregate every Sunday and I preaccccccccch the gospel!! The Holy Gospel! I tells the truth to the men. I don’t lie to them. Glory! Alleluia. It definitely ain’t me telling  them women are deceivers like Eve and temptresses like Delilah.”

Pope Announces Decision To Make Annulments Easier For Flock, Millions Begin Searching For Replacement Spouses

Pope Francis’s decision to make annulments less cumbersome and time consuming has had mixed results among his flock, with the conservative hierarchy aghast at his pseudo – Catholic leanings and the congregation signing an angelic ‘ Alleluia’.

Cardinal Juan Cock of Italy gave a stunning rebuke to the papal directive calling it ‘ a sure sign that he (Francis) is one of the lizard people we were warned about. A destroyer of hopes and dreams.”

The conservative Why You Feel You Can Have Sex, You Not Married Association of American Catholic Bishops summed it up with these words:

” Pope Francis is giving unmarried people the licence to have sex. That should never happen. Only married people , however miserable, should be allowed to have sex. Allowing anyone to divorce will mislead society into thinking sex is for them.’

However millions of Catholics around the world have started trending  these  hashtags ,#alwayswantedasecondwifethanksPopeFrank, #divorcerocks, #finallyIcansayseeyousucka, as they aim to take advantage of the new rules regardless of whether they had ever thought of divorce. Obviously Pope Francis deserves a medal for his most noble act.

Labour and Flambeau Release Stunning Manifestos : 21-0 Sweeps Expected!

The two heavyweights of Saint Lucian politics the SLP & UWP unleashed on an unsuspecting public their election manifestos close to a 15 months before general elections are constitutionally due.

We here at HOP were privileged to gain an insider’s look into the manifesto’s of the two party’s and can confirm that each party will win a 21-0 sweep after voters get a load at all the goodies in store for them.

SLP-

  • We’re not the UWP!
  • 15% VAT on speech and breathing.
  • We’re not the UWP!
  • This party actually gives a fuck about the poor and marginalized.
  • Trust us, even though our PR sucks and is always reactionary.
  • We will finally do something about our shit filled criminal justice system.

UWP-

  • Think of all the Taiwanese goodies we have in our bank accounts. We’ll share with you. Honest.
  • We got read of ALL the bad eggs from last time. Who him? and Him? Nah they’re the real victims.
  • No VAT or taxes .
  • Crime? Sheeit Operation Restore Confidence Part Two anyone?
  • Jobs? We will pay your ticket to another OECS /CARICOM state so you can be their problem!