Hesalop Our National Word?

As our 40th Independence activities continue we must ask ourselves the most serious question that has faced us as a nation.What is our national word? We have a national bird, tree,plant,flag and anthem and even two national treasures in Hon. Derek and Sir Arthur yet we lack a national word.

Our politicians must be too focused on who is more corrupt or salop instead of dealing with this issue which is as important as our spiraling crime problem. And more of a vital issue than how to cater to our increasingly hopeless youth.Let’s be honest a hesalop does come down good when you see a fight break out or someone take a delicious tumble not forgetting when a six is hit at the DSCG! Try it it feels good.

Hesalop! HESALOP! There may be strong contention from words like tranquil, borbol or paradise but Hesalop is uniquely Saint Lucian with its French Creole and English blends. Let’s face it, its not like our politicians seem interested in more important things.

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Livers Soon To Be Caribbean’s #1 Import.

In honor of World No Tobacco Day we feel it responsible to highlight the real issue. So what tobacco can lead to COPD, Asthma, Lung Cancer et al. And that’s from using it correctly! But we needed to find the real enemy so we spoke to a few cigar and cigarette vendors we pointed us in the right direction!

You got it right if you guessed alcohol. The vendors illustrated that instead of a No Tobacco Day a No Alcohol Day should be enacted, a wildly controversial idea as anyone after a long hard day at work knows. Give up 5 for 20 beers? And $4 shots of Black and White? To say nothing of my dreamed for $1 bottomless mimosas at brunch!

But sadly just scour social media and see the repeated ‘I not drinking again’ and ‘Rum not Juice’ posts that are most popular and you will realize that alcohol is the real bad guy. Folks come to funerals to sit at bars and which one of us is unaccustomed of seeing a drunk guy on our way to work at 8/9 am?

Leading research scientist and functioning alcoholic Dr. Cara Danvers prophesied that within the next 3-5 years livers would be the Caribbean’s #1 import due to the apparent insatiable appetite for West Indian folks and their rum.

‘ The more rum we drink, the happier we shall be.’

Government Taxes and LIAT to blame for lack of Inter -Regional Relations

In a world where it is often cheaper to travel to ports in the US and the UK by extension, LIAT is often scapegoated for why it costs an arm and a leg to get to 30-45 minute away destinations.

With  the explosion of Caribbean, not Caribbeans as the multiple flag segment of social media insist upon, Twitter the regional lust index has spiraled into the 98% range with sinewy Antigua abs, luscious Vincentian legs and an array of bodacious beauties from up and down the island chain inspiring more Caribbean unity than any CARICOM/OECS treaty.

With pledges to ensure that the only regional relations that matter happen in the bedroom or during Carnival government taxes have taken the brunt of the ire. A National Day of Lust inspired by their lust filled urges is expected soon in conjunction with a boycott of government services that include taxation in protest of the criminality of the exorbitant taxes that are the greatest threat to population explosion.

Make love not war.Get your inter-island bae!

Government of Saint Lucia To Pay Prospective Parents $50,000 to Spawn New Voters

Although the Finance and Economic Development Ministries have been tight lipped about the upcoming 2019 Budget Address by PM AC this upcoming month there are a few drips and teases which have escaped the tightly sealed drum of the Ernst and Young Conference rooms.

The truth is we’re a rapidly aging society and apparently everyone is having sex and lots of it but none for procreation, you hedonistic heathens. So the government has decided to stem the tide of the shrinking population by incentivizing the populace to the tune of $50,000 a pop per tiny infant.

Why the approach? Well this blog asked a senior economic advisor who said the government was worried sooner rather than later they’d be running out of people to con so what better way to facilitate tomfoolery by making sure they’re beholden to you. The Chamber of Commerce and the TUF foresee a momentous downward trend in production as hospitals expect increased visits due to blown backs and their ilk.

Get to work my people, just may be $50,000 worth for that 30 minutes!

Santa Claus To Be Arrested On Multiple Counts of Breaking and Entering, Trespassing, Facilitating Laziness Says FBI

The NSA  revealed that it has finally gotten video evidence of the world’s most wanted criminal Santa Claus. Together with the FBI they are expected to serve a warrant at the North Pole for over a billion charges of breaking and entering, trespassing and facilitating laziness  for parents who depended on him to buy gifts for their kids.

‘ For far too long this menace called Santa Claus has threatened the world with his brazen disregard for personal property. We are glad that the NSA’s Vanguard satellites have tracked this Christmas terrorist.’

FBI Director Jack Frost.

No word yet on whether this will take place after Santa has delivered his 2.6 billion gifts.

 

 

LPM Anxious For Bad Weather To Derail Next March Date

Leader of the LPM, Therold Prudent has been cautiously telling supporters that he is anxious for another turn of bad weather to derail the as yet unscheduled march against unemployment.

Sources tell us that the LPM is engaged in several avenues to derail their march in order to save face from potential embarrassment. A day of prayer for rain, a visit to a psychic and obeah man to view the most rainy of upcoming days are all on the agenda for the LPM.

‘ They actually screamed with relief when the rain started early in the day. They were petrified that you wouldn’t need to get naked to count the number of people at the march. Thank heavens for the rain again!’

LPM protestor

Politician’s Union To Launch ‘You Can Trust Us’ Ad Campaign Across The Region

People Like You, the newly established politician’s union has announced a $5m US dollar ad campaign aimed at rehabilitating the image of the regional politician. The 14 country ad campaign is hoping to do what basically nothing else has done and repair the sullied reputations of Caricom politicos.

Credence Dollar , the PR man behind the People Like You campaign was effusive with praise.

‘ It’s high time that politicians take the lead and move beyond the unfair labellings of themselves as corrupt, elitist, uncaring , lacking integrity and show them how upstanding and trustworthy we are.”

Dollar also derided the regional media claiming they were the reason behind the major distrust of politicians.

‘The media is to blame . Report on how many bills the politicians paid this week instead of the missing money from the treasury, or their friends buying $60,00 brand new vehicles after suspicious contracts. Trust us and we will trust you.”

No word yet on which local politicians have signed up for the ad campaign.